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| 11:23am 22/11/2009 |
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On another note, man, my period has been so heavy it feels like I am exorcising something from my body. Gross, I know. I have so much work to do and really.....all I want to do is daydream and think about what to pack....major picture editing today....I feel very tired :( |
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| you are what you love and not what loves you back |
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| 09:32am 20/11/2009 |
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yesterday was a really stressful day, so I drank a carbomb (guinness, jameson, and baileys) and then later two shots of whiskey to take the edge off. if you ever wondered, whiskey and velveeta is a pretty decent meal.
Anyways I was a little drunk and text chatting hannah so I decided to text this boy I slept with a week or so ago.
I wrote, "Come over, I'm drunk and bored." Then about 20 seconds later I wrote, "Just kidding, I'm not that bored. Definitely that drunk though." Hannah thought it was a riot. If he were a nicer boy, I wouldn't have sent it, but he's not really a nice person at all. I mean, I slept with him 'cause I wanted to get laid, no bones about it, but you inevitably learn a bit about someone when you spend time in bed with them. He is not very kind. la di da
I bought my ticket to colorado, it's all set and tentatively planned! I love him; I feel like my heart is exploding love for him. The last letter he sent was so awesome and sweet. I love loving people, making them feel appreciated. I can't wait to go and show up with my big color photographs and hallucinogens and trash presents and my cameras so I can super-document everything. So excited, but it's just gonna be so hard to leave. I am basically agreeing to go be in love in a cabin in the woods for an undefined moment in time, and then leave. I wonder if I'll be able to do it. I wonder if he'll be able to do it- I know that missing me has been really hard on him. oh youth
thank god I have my period, so I know I'm not pregnant, but man I am in pain. I need some percoset or valium or something. |
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| I am a surrealist |
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| 03:28pm 16/11/2009 |
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Scanning until the end of time.....four weeks of school left. My negatives are so dense- f32 30 seconds to 2 minute exposures- that it's taking 3 times as long to scan muh film. Editing as it scans.
All I wanna do is pass- not excel in my regular classes, just pass. But of course, I wanna be a knock out for photo reviews. Be da best be da best
Dead sunflowers are the most beautiful thing in the world
So is the ever closer prospect of running away over winter break. Escapism has never looked so sexy as when it's on the horizon
It may be time to invest in some redbull. Or ritalin. Or adderal. Whatever I can get my hands on first, really.
I've become so boring, ever since I decided I like being happy and on top of things instead of ridiculously drunk and weeping, leaking emotion. I mean I still do the latter all the time...just...not everyday now....
I am always reading craigslist adult gigs and dirty personals in the computer lab at school, it makes me paranoid that someone can see me doing so ahahahaahahahah....the same as when I dance in the library stacks during my shift at work, putting away books. I am an embarrassment to myself |
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| 07:43am 14/11/2009 |
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the morning after pill makes you feel like shit! on the bright side, I just got tested and I don't have AIDs. I wandered around the house getting ready for class singing "I don't wanna die in the hospital" and then later that night came home screaming happily about how I don't have AIDs (I have no faith in the degenerate gentlemen I have slept with, who knows what they been up to) but hey we'll see about the rest of ze tests, don't wanna celebrate too early. Stupid sex-crazed body.
I love regretsy.com: http://www.regretsy.com/2009/11/06/happy-holidays/ how positively terrifying, aha
goin with shelley to groveland tonight to photograph! gonna stay overnight there. her momz is datin a loaded porn star and their house is full of weird western shit and guns, this should be an awesome weekend runaway. a prelude to what winter break will be. speaking of, I can't wait til the end of the semester, but I'm scared about all the shit i need to finish. will need a lot of adderal. |
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| 03:48pm 08/11/2009 |
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I just spent $584 on a camera. In the world of camera equipment, this is nothing, but I still feel like I'm gonna barf
ughhhhhhh
at least I know it's a camera that's been looked over and assessed for flaws. It won't pussy out on me. hahaha. I am crass too much.
Now I just need to buy my ticket to colorado, or fly standby. I might just buy the ticket because I like the satisfaction of knowing I've booked a flight.
blah blah. there's a boy coming over tonight to hangout and stay at my house and he wants to sleep in my bed....I hope he knows we are not having sex. men act so entitled sometimes. just because we flirt at work and are friends does not= instasex.
a thousand papers to write, a proposal, studying
still hungover. goodbye |
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| oh, sweet thing |
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| 01:57am 01/11/2009 |
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Have to work tomorrow, grouchy, it's just gonna be cleaning up. post-apocalypse costume rescuing, coldly sober sunday.
so i am going to colorado, officially, during winter to break to see ol moonshine eyes (dreamboat), here is what my list of things to bring looks like so far (yes, even though it's like, months away, I'm planning now, for fun):
-acid
-manic pixie appropriate mountain girl dresses
-my favorite lotion!!11111
-4x5 camera and 6x9, tripod, film
-feather headbands and perfect belts and my best winter boots
ahahahaah I am such a girlllllll, also such a useless traveler. I'd rather bring the silly over the sensible, look good over comfort or durability. LIKE I REALLY NEED TO BRING FEATHER HEADBANDS AND PERFUME. lolllllzlzzzlzlzlzlzlzzlzl I'm staying in a cabin in the woods. It's gonna be freezing, tons of snow. I should bring like, socks and prayers
It's halloween night and all the bro dudes are singing outside my window and screaming, this sucks. Maybe if I get more high it won't bother me.
I'm so happy I get to escape MA and go live in someone else's bed and someone else's life, with someone who cooks for me and saves me from falling into rapids and sends me beautiful photographs of the desert, beautiful letters. Love love love. I am full of sap.
in other news, an ex-boyfriend is stalking me about dvds of his I have, dvds I attempted to return multiples times. He prank phone calls me and sends me text messages, leaves voicemails, sporadically demanding them "NOW". I haven't heard from him in 4 months, but I got 2 missed calls and several texts tonight. Annoyed that he seems to think I am at his beck and call, or mood swing whim or something. He's so irresponsible and incapable of listening, acting appropriately, or taking care of his own shit. I told him I donated them to the boston public library. ahaha, woops.
If he texts again, I'm going to reply with a "who is this?" as if I got a new phone and different number or something. Game over. |
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| 02:55am 30/10/2009 |
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I'm super high and I'm starting to feel really sad. Just need to roll with it. Too much excitement lately, perhaps. Dealing with the shock of the party finally being over- so to speak- is always hard. I just need to hold on and keep perspective and not think irrational. yes. SIGH. Just remember, there's always someone that loves you. Doooonnnn't cry. |
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| I can't find my phone, and frankly, my dear... |
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| 11:39am 29/10/2009 |
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Nothing is more punk rock than being late to your job at the library.
I've been going home and getting really, really high after work by myself as a way to cope with the madness that is the seasonal rush right now. aaahahhaha. I. have. no. life.
everything is dumb. Making a career out of deleting people's library fines currently.
I want to escape boston so bad. I'd jump on a bus right now, or a plane
I changed my major so that I can graduate a semester early. The things this institution brings me to do. Now I am an "open major" instead of "photography." I brought up a project proposal that involves a department that doesn't currently exist, forcing them to give me the "open major" title instead of making me stay in photo.
My last entry was insane sounding. sigh. I have a lot of unfinished ideas, thoughts, things mulling in my head.
Stole a moleskin the other day. Now I have something to write in at all times again!
I can't hang out with anyone I live with besides the girl I share a room with. They're all fun people, awesome people, but shitty friends. Can't maintain friendships. Therefore, it's better and takes less energy on my part to not bother. Makes everything easier. And makes me not care that the kitchen is always dirty. You expect less from strangers and people you are not friends with. Or at least I do. But it is a strange realization to have. Though, all I have are strange realizations.
"Those who are trying to find love will end up with hatred, frustration and insanity. Those who are trying to find wealth will end up totally neurotic, psychotic and totally crab. Because if you are trying to find something, you have basically, intentionally, intuitively, and individually accepted that you do not have it." -Yogi Bhajan |
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| it's nice to be loved |
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| 02:50pm 26/10/2009 |
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if perception is a pre determined force
ripping down the walls of sound around me as I run, mentally seeing the buildings around me decay and fall apart in rhythmic multiples,
then love is only as strong as you cultivate it.
marriage is a business deal,
love is not a need
wants are wants, and when you decide you need something, you have intrinsically accepted that you do not have it.
You are your own downfall, and you create your own personal hells.
I'm sorry you discovered us, and that you thought he was in a relationship with you. Actually, he's just dating you as one of the three women he's seeing, and he and I were just fucking. Sorry your heart is broken, but everyone is responsible for their own emotional welfare. Never let a man rule your head, your thoughts, or your heart in a way that is connected to desperation. Though, getting the opportunity to hide in the closet was really hilarious, and so was walking out of it and having to say, "I'm sorry, I don't have the time for this, I have to go to work." The ensuing screaming was also hilarious, and so was his hang dog expression. Good thing he was such a good lay, or your screaming would have started to sound irritating to me.
I'm not cruel, I'm not without compassion, I am just empty of feeling about this particular situation. Hit it and quit it. My objective was to get laid, yours, to discover something you did not want to know.
I think I am disappearing to colorado to go live in a cabin for a while with the love of my life.......I will email my teachers and tell them I am photographing out west (true), make up some excuses. I think I will not tell anyone, just run away for a week. Not even tell my roommates, just get on a plane in secret. Muahah. Rustic freeloading. I love love love love love him so much I love his letters I love his spirit I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee an opportunity to escape my state. love love! Keep your fingers crossed for me. |
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| on artic glass |
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| 12:20pm 14/10/2009 |
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Working 8 hours or more every single day and having another job on top of it that you work 15 hours a week at is
STUPID
also working 12 hour shifts on weekends is
STUPID
all school work getting put on hold
3 more weeks and it's over
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh
at least I have things to look forward to
right?
My house is stupid people eat my food and I hate being one of the more responsible people in it. I dislike having to babysit or keep reminding people to do things, like, SEND THE FUCKING RENT CHECK PLEASE, or, PAY YOUR OLD GAS BILL SO THE OUTSTANDING BALANCE DOESN'T AFFECT US (THE NEW TENANTS). Dumb. Or having to say things like, "you ate all my wraps" or "who drank my chocolate milk?" arghhhhh. So over it already. And we don't have internet, which is starting to make my scholastic life more complicated. I don't like having to think about these things, I only do when I go home and have to deal with it. Today the landlady just walked into our house, up the stairs as if to go into the kitchen. Isn't that illegal? She can't just bust in. No respect. She's batshit insane so I can't really get mad at her, but still. At least she's harmless. I just wish she'd let us mail the rent checks (instead of coming to collect them) and that she believed in using the internet (she is anti-computers).
Also, all involved got letters in the mail that we may get summoned to court for the bike stealing case (m's bike getting stolen) and I got a call about my sexual harassment case; I may be summoned to testify for that too. Awesome! Totally what I want to be doing, spending my time in court. Awesome, cool, great.
Lately it feels like all I do is go to work. I go to class (haven't missed one yet) but I'm only half there mentally. It feels like I wake up, stay fuzzy brained, then go to work. I'm really wound up once I get off my shift, but by then I need to sleep. I think I need to buy some airborne to keep from getting sick, and a sharpie, and just resign myself to becoming the anal bitch that initials all her food. As someone who steals the majority of her groceries, I really can't deal with someone eating my food, because it means I have to steal more frequently, which puts me at greater risk. I also do buy things, too. aaaaahhhh.
At least b is really sweet and awesome-I feel like I've found my spiritual twin, and someone to appreciate my pictures (I send him prints). This is a happy thought I try to think on a lot to keep myself from being rude, blunt, or cranky to people.
"Manic pixie dream girl implores buddhist woodsman babe to come east. Will she fail? Catch next week's episode."
It sort of works. I'm mostly just mischievious, sarcastic, or I act like I've been hit in the head with a metal pipe. I am the counter girl Keanu Reeves.
I do this last one a lot; it makes it so I appear blank, guiless, empty. Boys tend to like this version of me the best. A fuck vessel with long hair. Hahaha grossssss.
Ali says I attract psychos, your usual douchebags, and drunk homeless people in my daily commute because I give off a "pretty, gypsy vibe."
Maybe they think I will lead them to a holy land of jewels, caravans, loose women, infinitely pleasurable weather. A palm tree utopia where all your indiscretions are forgiven. Oasis of liquor, glittering cities paved in gold. Or maybe they think I am a baby hooker. Who even gives a shit. I don't even know what I am supposed to give a shit about anymore. I don't even know what I give a shit about.
It's freeing, in a strange way. I am not held down by circumstance. If I play my cards right, I know I can transcend it. I've talked my way into better things before. Even if it's just pretending, believing you're larger than life will lead you to living larger than life.
Oh and I quit therapy because my therapist was too young and inexperienced, and I couldn't be bothered to run the session every week. At least I'm not depressed. I can do without it and no one will be quite the same as liz, in any case.
Wow what a long update, I am such a procrastinating paper writer! |
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| kind of awesome |
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| 12:30pm 09/10/2009 |
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I haven't been in a real relationship in five years.
I think this means I don't want one.
It makes me feel accomplished, somehow. I've come a long way, and I'm too strong willed to shack up with just anyone. |
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| hello ma'am, would you be interested in some sexual positions and emotional investments |
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| 01:29am 02/10/2009 |
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Took half an oxycontin earlier, felt really loopy and soft and safe, started to read a book, then got ridiculously cold all the way to my fingertips and passed out under a pile of blankets. I am always on pills. Hilarious. I think it's because I quit drinking/ I just don't have the $$$ to buy liquor. I am hilarious. Always on pills. And by hilarious I mean unpredictable, erratic, a little bit of a mess....I keep it together, I get things done, but I'm on something pretty much all the time. Especially during my period, when mentally I'm so fucked by hormones that I wouldn't be able to function sober.
I am such a procrastinator. I just picked out six different kinds of sexy knee high socks to buy in preparation for winter rather than writing these papers that are overdue. I DON'T EVEN NEED SOCKS
I love scrounging for bread crumbs, remnants to hold onto. Tryin' to keep the dream alive, I really am. I am trying to keep a memory alive so as to propel it into real live future, into a future happening.
It's that time in the morning, almost, where your stomach starts to hurt with the realization that you're the only one awake and that you've been up for a while, killing time.
I think I am going to have my mother design a tattoo for me. I need someone else's drawing talents, not my own, and hers far exceed mine anyway. She is so incredibly attentive to detail, and she had so much personal training. Plus then I will have something of her forever, no matter what sentimental possessions I have or lose.
Looking at images for inspiration now....gosh, death is so sexy.
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| you are a dee-light |
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| 09:19am 28/09/2009 |
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Went to a magical tipi in the woods and camped, did three tabs of acid Saturday night, saw things I will definitely never see again. Spatial re-definition and the outside of the tipi changing colors with glowstick neon ferocity, among them. Probably the best acid trip I've ever had. I felt so free.
Now it's 8am and I am waiting for Matt to finish taking a shit in the bathroom so that I can get into the shower and come back to real life. Ohhhh myyyy gooodnesssss.
I came home yesterday and the house smelled like gas, there's 20,000 odwalla drinks in the fridge, and a power shut off notice on the fridge. I guess someone left the burner on and brit went dumpster diving. Upon these discoveries, I then I slept for 20 hours. Dreamt about being chased.
I decided while on acid that I prefer being a concept over being a real girl. Yes. Now, to things. I smell like fire. |
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| hide your bad habits underneath the patio |
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| 09:53am 21/09/2009 |
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Sitting on the floor wrapped in a blanket ganking the stupid internet, it's cold like fall here
I think coke really is the secret to youth. The next day after you do it your skin glows like it's really, really fresh. I don't know what it is! I may have been strung out and stuck at work all day but my complexion looked bangin,' at least.
I think I am going to get fired at work for erasing people's library fines. The money doesn't go back to the library anyway; it goes to the business office, to tha man. But I deleted someone's fine that was $139, and my roommate's fines which were $10 and $25 respectively. Um. I am too smart to be taught computer systems; I learn them the first day and then spend all my free time messing with them to see how they work, and then I abuse them once I figure out how it's safe to. Uhhh. Bad girl bad girl bad girl. But if I got fired I wouldn't mind that much because it's probably the best reason I could ever get fired for, from a library muahaha.
I get older, I get younger, I get older. |
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| 05:28pm 18/09/2009 |
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Scanning so much film and editing that I feel like my head is going to explode. I have almost 200 photographs to edit down from, and that's not counting the 4x5 film I haven't even started yet
I get so focused it's scary
4 classes, 1 independent study, therapy every week, 2 jobs, and I want to start doing yoga regularly...
I feel like I don't know when or where it's ok to slow down, and that I am on my own wavelength......I'm still trying to support everyone, be everyone's fucking cheerleader, but I am mostly just tuned into my own soul
I think this is the way it sort of has to be, in order for me to really be a success or continue to advance. I have to be self-involved and self-obsessed, and somewhat manic all the time
:waves to sarah:
ummmmm a good 50% of the time I just want to leave all this and disappear, fake my own death and start a new life
I've been wearing the same motorhead shirt for 3 days now, my hair is dreading itself, and I still have money. I listen to the same old grizzly bear album over and over like a prayer and write like I am talking to myself. Suddenly everyone wants to hang out or do things. I think it's because I have no time anymore and stopped calling everyone and so now, of course, I am in demand.
Love is a bust. It's for liars and whores, romantic ass wipes
You only get what you want once you stop wanting it, tru fax |
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| 10:29pm 17/09/2009 |
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"tug-of-war soul, and rain footsteps to match"
am really sad, I guess |
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| 06:03pm 13/09/2009 |
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I feel really tired, and I just want to sleep, but I can't because B's cat pissed on my bed. Worked 11-5 yesterday, then did the runway show, then went to a dance party in allston. I just want to lay around and do my stupid homework and write brett a letter. god life is so exhausting, it requires so much effort to live. I'm reading The Philosophy of Andy Warhol again and it's making me feel really weird about emotions.
stupid stupid stupid
and I can't scan, edit, or print any of my photographs, because the lab is locked closed up and down.
FULL OF COMPLAINTS, I AM. And dumpster dived trash bread trash muffins trash bagels
On the bright side, I....named a kitten last night. And I haven't spent any money in the last two weeks besides paying for the train on and off because I've been.....stealing everything.
I just wish my brain was more focused, organized. Less clutterfucked and over stimulated and socialized.
And that's that! |
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| 06:15pm 27/08/2009 |
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i want trashy lingerie, expensive foundation, and some valium. sigh. i am such a consumer. drink too much and socialize too much and think about materialistic things more than i ought to. i am a bad, bad girl, i have viscerally sexual thoughts as well as more loki mischievously inspired ones. today i stole a $30 pair of headphones (mine broke), and yesterday ali and i had an epic lunch, consisting of things stolen from the grocery store. this is what never having any money, and traveling, does to you!
i think i am going to a shaman- 'transformational healer'- soon. i need to learn how to control my ability to empathize with others. i walk in and out of people's moods like it's my job; i am a receptacle for emotional excess. i feel my own feelings and then some. hopefully she can teach me how to control it, how to harness the brain power or something. i really want to try to teach myself astral projection- practice it extensively this year- and get good. to help me visit those that are far away.
today i signed a lease. i will be living in mission for the next 9 months at least, in an apartment with 4 other people and 2 cats. i will be sharing a room with another girl to make the rent cheaper. we are all insane. it's gonna be a punk rock house.
been sending packages and letters like it's my job. sent the boy a poison that changes the color of fire when you throw it in. turns the flame green, blue, and purple. witch craft! and sent 2 letters. i have been so expressive lately...? communicative? i change every hour. i am the story of a displaced person, it makes sense i suppose.
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| 08:03am 11/06/2009 |
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I am at the boys' house in the north end. last night I puked EVERYWHERE muahahaha. first in kelly's apt, then in chris'. I blacked out, AS USUAL. I am the queen of blacking out, it is all I ever do nowadays. I puked in chris' bed too! while he was having some heart to heart with his girlfriend in the same room. muahhahah. Now I am stealing pictures he has of me on his computer and tony is passed out on the couch against the wall. UHHHHHHH back to sleep what the fuck are cr2 files also why is it fucking cold outside I thought this was SUMMERTIME, also, I am so glad I slept in chris' bed; thurr couch has fleas |
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| I didn't mean to be so mean but I meant what I said |
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| 12:42pm 04/05/2009 |
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music: who's that woman's voice singing
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Spent 18 hours waiting stoned for space
I spent the same 18 hours in the same damn place
I'm on a road shaped like a figure 8
I'm going nowhere, but I'm guaranteed to be late
You go out like a riptide
You know that ball has no sides
You're an angel with an amber halo
Black hair and the devil's pitchfork
Wind-up anger with the endless view of
The ground's colorful patchwork
How have you been? How have you?
I drove around for hours, I drove around for days
I drove around for months and years and never went no place
We're on a pass, we're on pass
I stopped for gas, but where could place be
To pay for gas to drive around
Around the interstate 8 |
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act_5's journal
