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| 12:49am 20/01/2010 |
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“Ecological thinking, on the other hand, requires a kind of vision across boundaries. The epidermis of the skin is ecologically like a pond surface or a forest soil, not a shell as much as a delicate interpenetration. It reveals the self enobled and extended rather than threatened as part of the landscape and ecosystem, because the beauty and complexity of nature are continuous with ourselves” (Paul Shephard and Daniel McKinley – The Subversive Science) |
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| 12:18am 16/01/2010 |
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I feel weird and crazy and sad. I swear, moods are catching! I really want to throw myself off a cliff right now, but I think it's just manic and temporary. Oh well. Can't have it all. I'm either ecstatic or secretly gloomsville, I don't stay in the middle for more than a couple days. Blah! At least tomorrow's party will distract me. |
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| harmonicasssss |
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| 06:47pm 15/01/2010 |
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music: ghost- gregory and the hawk
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eek eek eekkkkkkkkkk I feel like my brain is all floaty, in dreamland. I blame pheromones and serotonin, he says I'm just oversexed. Today he picked me up, pushed me up against the film closets and threatened to "hang me like a negative." Hot photo nerd action, yep.
I promise to stop updating with cute things soon. I developed my film from maine, lotsa chickens inna chicken coop, snow, cabin-like abodes, no sun. Blurred moving feathers and chain link fence. I hope N gets back to me soon about my project proposal. His input is key, he is a key.
Pickling ginger is really easy! And fun. Did it the other day. I've been on a cooking/ baking/ weird medicinal shit kick. |
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| you know it's love when |
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| 12:01am 15/01/2010 |
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they tell you to use their tooth brush. romance= sharing plaque
I'm so tired and achy. Awake enough to be hungry, but too achy to go down in the kitchen and make something. Ooh, crossroads!
Looking up sparkly resin hearts (what's wrong with me?) on etsy and farting while I have the room to myself. aaaaaahahhahaha. And plotting what I'll wear tomorrow when he and I go to develop film. In the dark mind you, where he can't see me and is most likely just gonna try to take off my clothes.... so I don't know why I am wondering whether I should wear that pink scarf (kyle says it looks like a navajo sunset) or not, because it really does not matter. Rather, I think am trying to distract myself from the 6-12 papers I need to write to finish out this incomplete. My schedule for the rest of the week is sort of hilarious:
Tomorrow:
Develop film with boy, then maybe take a walk if it's nice outside. Then later, go hangout with L. L is a 45 yr old gay man that weighs 400 lbs and has a spider tattoo on the back of his bald head. He thinks we share a brain and are sisters. He is hilarious, and magical. He wants to play the ouija board and then drink mulled whiskey, eat fancy snacks. Sounds good to me.
Saturday: Dalis' birthday party at The Dig's office space. Picture a million drunken and or MIT hipsters. and like, 30 people I love to death. In an aweeeeesome space for a party.
Sunday: free! If I'm not too hungover, I'll probably do those papers.
Monday: Drinks and baking with my photo ladies. I suspect we will get sauced and wanna watch EZ Rider.
Tuesday: School starts. Aaaaahhhhh
That upcoming weekend: Driving to Maine with one of my favorites ladies ever, in my ford ranger truck! Lord, I hope we don't die. Maine adventure!!
eek! fun! eek! |
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| 01:46am 12/01/2010 |
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You're an exercise in self-control, a delicious reason to dress for (contemplating how I'll be undressed), a mystifying new endeavor in my week. Sometimes I feel like your sexual doll, with all your passion, and wonder if my payment is given in the meals you cook for me. Not trying to get ahead of myself, but well, I do wonder. I bought a new dress and I've been showering more. So lame. Soon I'll be like, actually cooking, not swearing, being ooey gooey and shit. Currently, my interests include holding you at arm's length and being a black hole of information, vague. I'm doing a pretty good job of being absent while keeping you compelled to get a hold of me, I think. I'd call myself sick but I know deep down I'm a therapeutic soul, someone much more interested in healing than causing harm or discomfort. I'm just trying to keep my own blues away and feel in control. Conversely, you're a a calming, healing influence on me. I feel safe. I have no faith though, it could be all over tomorrow and I wouldn't be....surprised.
One of Brit's cats has adopted me. It sleeps under my bed and will often jump up on the unmade covers and lay on top of me. I'm honored as it's an extremely skittish, traumatized-acting shy thing. I think it likes that I smell like a girl, and have lots of fur covered/ leather made boots under my bed. It definitely prefers women. I'm trying to teach it to allow itself to be picked up.
I've been writing more and I think I'm making progress with my writing habits, ridding myself of the sentence fragmentation I am so fond of. Granted, there's a reason it exists- it's representational of the way I think- and I'll probably preserve it to some extent as part of my preferred method of getting these things, my dirty, weird, and conflicted thoughts, out of me. |
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| you got the good in you |
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| 03:13am 30/12/2009 |
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I'm a dirty lover and a wayward friend, a total pillhead and drunk this vacation to boot. Snorting things is just so visceral and bad bad good.
All one night stands are trivial relationships to me, a sped up version of a relationship I'd have with that particular person- the relationship being nothingness, the terminal end to nothingness. If you love someone, don't fuck them, I often think to myself. Everytime I've had someone for a night, I've discovered later that they and I would not be compatible, OR, I knew it prior to having sex. Most of the time I've known or understood it, prior. Sometimes the unconscious understands things while the waking brain continues to refuse to see the truth.
Sex is such a currency more often than not, at least in my life; it complicates, suspends dynamics, draws out empty interactions that depend upon flirtation alluding....yes, sex is messy. Men fear women and don't understand them, women love too much, everyone wants different things and has different intentions- such devious conflict all around. "Love is a powertrip."
I dreamt of you in a series of rooms and mirrors and portals within a large old mansion converted into a series of living spaces, with dropping floors and levels...you were sleeping and as you dreamed in your own slumber you kept disappearing, and I would keep having to chase you, find you to where you had disappeared. You wouldn't wake up, were stuck in dream world coma, and there were a variety of environments and worlds we kept moving to. Like video game levels. Sorta like that greek story about two lovers, I vaguely remember it... one is in hell, the other gets the chance to retrieve them, bring them back to the world of the living, but they have to have the faith that the other one is behind them the whole way out of the depths, without looking back for reassurance. So the story goes, lover saving looks back to make sure the lover being saved is still there, causing lover being saved to disappear.
I think morphine's cousin (the drug I've had much of, ha) interrupts my subconscious, brings back repressed trauma, and changes my dreams with fractured, overactive deconstruction, a weaving of the old and new that is new to me. Essentially, it's been changing the very way I dream. I mean, dreams are always that deadly combination, but this is much more direct and hurting than ever, as if my brain is trying to force me to come to terms or deal with several things at once. There-a-py
I feel like I've written this entry a thousand times in different forms. I think my real real thoughts only actually get expressed in my physical journal or in my photographs or in my sketches. I don't like broadcasting them so literally. Or maybe I'm just getting dumber as I get older. Who even cares.
( Pull my daisy by kerouac ) |
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| Stranger and stranger things are happening |
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| 03:45pm 08/12/2009 |
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Flesh and blood and brokens bones am I
And I left that all behind in the diamond mines
What about all of the sound buried underground
Will we still feel the vibrations if it's never found
My blood is red when it flows from me
My blood turns blue when you're not with me
My blood is red when it runs through me
My blood runs true when your heart's with me |
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| 4 hours of sleep and vodka coming out of my pores even though I didn't drink that much. |
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| 06:03pm 03/12/2009 |
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Last night I did silly, fifteen yr old things. Went to a post-rock show, made out in a parking lot with the rain coming down, got hollered at. Made out in front of the middleeast, very publicly so....ooooh, you got me good.
At one point in the night, I got kicked out of the middleeast bar/restaurant area. It was ridiculous. I got legitimately cussed out and kicked out. Regardless, still managed to get the boy into the show, though he was without ticket, and get myself back in.
During the show, he pulled me by the hand to the front, later asked to kiss me. I said no. I love me. I am such a brat.
To sum it up: PDAs, drunken abandon of all sorts, reckless behavior, hilarity. youth! I wish you hadn't bitten me so hard, why don't you just give hickies like normal boys? I hope we do more bad things together, we have great chemistry, and I suspect you're good at a thing or two in the sack. You smelled really good, too... |
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| You get a Gold Star; I love you I must confess |
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| 04:10pm 01/12/2009 |
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"Don't ya worry it'll all come together like railroad tracks. Yr comin' west and you are two lovely things so no thing in sight to be worried over."
I wonder what those two things are...like,
"you're a woman and you have a brain" ? No way! ahaha. Or like, "you're cute, and I actually enjoy talking to you" ?
A heart and a head
A person and an art-maker
A writer and a picture-taker
A lady and an artist
A theorizer/ idea maker and a thinker
A friend and a lover
....who knows.
I am such a cynic. Nonetheless, I enjoy the message, and it gave me pause, which I always enjoy. Me with my big mouth, and fast movin' brain, I need to be stopped for a second. For seconds, even if it's just to take a moment to shred loving sentiment in analysis |
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| 11:25am 01/12/2009 |
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"True stories rely heavily upon the convenience of hindsight, and expectation and revisionism. Such stories are an insult to the intelligence. Fiction feel good and recanting causes stress. Like lying, in the physiological sense, the telling of a true story is an un-natural act."
-Richard Prince |
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| hey lloyd, I'm ready to be heartbroken |
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| 10:17pm 30/11/2009 |
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annoyed with the mail man; delivers mail arbitrarily, inconsistently
hate delta for not refunding my plane ticket (I needed to change my schedule)
hate that I have to appear in a court case, give testimony, because I got sexually harassed
annoyed that I have to write this research paper when I'd rather focus on building my website
wish my food stamps weren't taking so long to process
dislike the cold and the achyness I feel in my bones
the worry that everything is going to start to fall apart, leave me with nothing
but then, that's always the worry.
the fragility of things is something I'm all too well acquainted with. |
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| interesting |
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| 11:23am 22/11/2009 |
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On another note, man, my period has been so heavy it feels like I am exorcising something from my body. Gross, I know. I have so much work to do and really.....all I want to do is daydream and think about what to pack....major picture editing today....I feel very tired :( |
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| you are what you love and not what loves you back |
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| 09:32am 20/11/2009 |
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yesterday was a really stressful day, so I drank a carbomb (guinness, jameson, and baileys) and then later two shots of whiskey to take the edge off. if you ever wondered, whiskey and velveeta is a pretty decent meal.
Anyways I was a little drunk and text chatting hannah so I decided to text this boy I slept with a week or so ago.
I wrote, "Come over, I'm drunk and bored." Then about 20 seconds later I wrote, "Just kidding, I'm not that bored. Definitely that drunk though." Hannah thought it was a riot. If he were a nicer boy, I wouldn't have sent it, but he's not really a nice person at all. I mean, I slept with him 'cause I wanted to get laid, no bones about it, but you inevitably learn a bit about someone when you spend time in bed with them. He is not very kind. la di da
I bought my ticket to colorado, it's all set and tentatively planned! I love him; I feel like my heart is exploding love for him. The last letter he sent was so awesome and sweet. I love loving people, making them feel appreciated. I can't wait to go and show up with my big color photographs and hallucinogens and trash presents and my cameras so I can super-document everything. So excited, but it's just gonna be so hard to leave. I am basically agreeing to go be in love in a cabin in the woods for an undefined moment in time, and then leave. I wonder if I'll be able to do it. I wonder if he'll be able to do it- I know that missing me has been really hard on him. oh youth
thank god I have my period, so I know I'm not pregnant, but man I am in pain. I need some percoset or valium or something. |
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| I am a surrealist |
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| 03:28pm 16/11/2009 |
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Scanning until the end of time.....four weeks of school left. My negatives are so dense- f32 30 seconds to 2 minute exposures- that it's taking 3 times as long to scan muh film. Editing as it scans.
All I wanna do is pass- not excel in my regular classes, just pass. But of course, I wanna be a knock out for photo reviews. Be da best be da best
Dead sunflowers are the most beautiful thing in the world
So is the ever closer prospect of running away over winter break. Escapism has never looked so sexy as when it's on the horizon
It may be time to invest in some redbull. Or ritalin. Or adderal. Whatever I can get my hands on first, really.
I've become so boring, ever since I decided I like being happy and on top of things instead of ridiculously drunk and weeping, leaking emotion. I mean I still do the latter all the time...just...not everyday now....
I am always reading craigslist adult gigs and dirty personals in the computer lab at school, it makes me paranoid that someone can see me doing so ahahahaahahahah....the same as when I dance in the library stacks during my shift at work, putting away books. I am an embarrassment to myself |
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| 07:43am 14/11/2009 |
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the morning after pill makes you feel like shit! on the bright side, I just got tested and I don't have AIDs. I wandered around the house getting ready for class singing "I don't wanna die in the hospital" and then later that night came home screaming happily about how I don't have AIDs (I have no faith in the degenerate gentlemen I have slept with, who knows what they been up to) but hey we'll see about the rest of ze tests, don't wanna celebrate too early. Stupid sex-crazed body.
I love regretsy.com: http://www.regretsy.com/2009/11/06/happy-holidays/ how positively terrifying, aha
goin with shelley to groveland tonight to photograph! gonna stay overnight there. her momz is datin a loaded porn star and their house is full of weird western shit and guns, this should be an awesome weekend runaway. a prelude to what winter break will be. speaking of, I can't wait til the end of the semester, but I'm scared about all the shit i need to finish. will need a lot of adderal. |
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| 03:48pm 08/11/2009 |
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I just spent $584 on a camera. In the world of camera equipment, this is nothing, but I still feel like I'm gonna barf
ughhhhhhh
at least I know it's a camera that's been looked over and assessed for flaws. It won't pussy out on me. hahaha. I am crass too much.
Now I just need to buy my ticket to colorado, or fly standby. I might just buy the ticket because I like the satisfaction of knowing I've booked a flight.
blah blah. there's a boy coming over tonight to hangout and stay at my house and he wants to sleep in my bed....I hope he knows we are not having sex. men act so entitled sometimes. just because we flirt at work and are friends does not= instasex.
a thousand papers to write, a proposal, studying
still hungover. goodbye |
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| oh, sweet thing |
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| 01:57am 01/11/2009 |
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Have to work tomorrow, grouchy, it's just gonna be cleaning up. post-apocalypse costume rescuing, coldly sober sunday.
so i am going to colorado, officially, during winter to break to see ol moonshine eyes (dreamboat), here is what my list of things to bring looks like so far (yes, even though it's like, months away, I'm planning now, for fun):
-acid
-manic pixie appropriate mountain girl dresses
-my favorite lotion!!11111
-4x5 camera and 6x9, tripod, film
-feather headbands and perfect belts and my best winter boots
ahahahaah I am such a girlllllll, also such a useless traveler. I'd rather bring the silly over the sensible, look good over comfort or durability. LIKE I REALLY NEED TO BRING FEATHER HEADBANDS AND PERFUME. lolllllzlzzzlzlzlzlzlzzlzl I'm staying in a cabin in the woods. It's gonna be freezing, tons of snow. I should bring like, socks and prayers
It's halloween night and all the bro dudes are singing outside my window and screaming, this sucks. Maybe if I get more high it won't bother me.
I'm so happy I get to escape MA and go live in someone else's bed and someone else's life, with someone who cooks for me and saves me from falling into rapids and sends me beautiful photographs of the desert, beautiful letters. Love love love. I am full of sap.
in other news, an ex-boyfriend is stalking me about dvds of his I have, dvds I attempted to return multiples times. He prank phone calls me and sends me text messages, leaves voicemails, sporadically demanding them "NOW". I haven't heard from him in 4 months, but I got 2 missed calls and several texts tonight. Annoyed that he seems to think I am at his beck and call, or mood swing whim or something. He's so irresponsible and incapable of listening, acting appropriately, or taking care of his own shit. I told him I donated them to the boston public library. ahaha, woops.
If he texts again, I'm going to reply with a "who is this?" as if I got a new phone and different number or something. Game over. |
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| 02:55am 30/10/2009 |
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I'm super high and I'm starting to feel really sad. Just need to roll with it. Too much excitement lately, perhaps. Dealing with the shock of the party finally being over- so to speak- is always hard. I just need to hold on and keep perspective and not think irrational. yes. SIGH. Just remember, there's always someone that loves you. Doooonnnn't cry. |
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| I can't find my phone, and frankly, my dear... |
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| 11:39am 29/10/2009 |
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Nothing is more punk rock than being late to your job at the library.
I've been going home and getting really, really high after work by myself as a way to cope with the madness that is the seasonal rush right now. aaahahhaha. I. have. no. life.
everything is dumb. Making a career out of deleting people's library fines currently.
I want to escape boston so bad. I'd jump on a bus right now, or a plane
I changed my major so that I can graduate a semester early. The things this institution brings me to do. Now I am an "open major" instead of "photography." I brought up a project proposal that involves a department that doesn't currently exist, forcing them to give me the "open major" title instead of making me stay in photo.
My last entry was insane sounding. sigh. I have a lot of unfinished ideas, thoughts, things mulling in my head.
Stole a moleskin the other day. Now I have something to write in at all times again!
I can't hang out with anyone I live with besides the girl I share a room with. They're all fun people, awesome people, but shitty friends. Can't maintain friendships. Therefore, it's better and takes less energy on my part to not bother. Makes everything easier. And makes me not care that the kitchen is always dirty. You expect less from strangers and people you are not friends with. Or at least I do. But it is a strange realization to have. Though, all I have are strange realizations.
"Those who are trying to find love will end up with hatred, frustration and insanity. Those who are trying to find wealth will end up totally neurotic, psychotic and totally crab. Because if you are trying to find something, you have basically, intentionally, intuitively, and individually accepted that you do not have it." -Yogi Bhajan |
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| it's nice to be loved |
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| 02:50pm 26/10/2009 |
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if perception is a pre determined force
ripping down the walls of sound around me as I run, mentally seeing the buildings around me decay and fall apart in rhythmic multiples,
then love is only as strong as you cultivate it.
marriage is a business deal,
love is not a need
wants are wants, and when you decide you need something, you have intrinsically accepted that you do not have it.
You are your own downfall, and you create your own personal hells.
I'm sorry you discovered us, and that you thought he was in a relationship with you. Actually, he's just dating you as one of the three women he's seeing, and he and I were just fucking. Sorry your heart is broken, but everyone is responsible for their own emotional welfare. Never let a man rule your head, your thoughts, or your heart in a way that is connected to desperation. Though, getting the opportunity to hide in the closet was really hilarious, and so was walking out of it and having to say, "I'm sorry, I don't have the time for this, I have to go to work." The ensuing screaming was also hilarious, and so was his hang dog expression. Good thing he was such a good lay, or your screaming would have started to sound irritating to me.
I'm not cruel, I'm not without compassion, I am just empty of feeling about this particular situation. Hit it and quit it. My objective was to get laid, yours, to discover something you did not want to know.
I think I am disappearing to colorado to go live in a cabin for a while with the love of my life.......I will email my teachers and tell them I am photographing out west (true), make up some excuses. I think I will not tell anyone, just run away for a week. Not even tell my roommates, just get on a plane in secret. Muahah. Rustic freeloading. I love love love love love him so much I love his letters I love his spirit I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee an opportunity to escape my state. love love! Keep your fingers crossed for me. |
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act_5's journal
